Dear Fourteen

17/06/2018


Dear 14 years old Luna,

Hello, nice to meet you. I came across one of your draft post on this blog today, which was very sad, and thought I'd share with you what's on my mind now after reading it.

First of all, thank you. Thank you for writing that out, else I won't realize I've pulled myself through such hard times. I'm not sure why you chose not to publish that post, but I'm somewhat glad you didn't. It was heartwrenching to read but I felt a tad bit embarrassed in the middle of it. Sorry, I know I shouldn't be embarrassed, but I can't help but feel a little guilty.

"I hate myself", was the title of that draft post. I clicked in and read everything... Don't worry, I'm not here to dismiss your feelings like the other adults did. Just wanna let you know - I guess the you in 3 years time have gotten over the dark moments in life where all you see were flaws when you look into the mirror. You will still feel those emotions every now and then, but it's getting better!

I know how desperate you were to pour all the sadness away. The way you listed things that you hate about yourself broke my heart. You mentioned you don't know why you hate yourself and you hate the fact that you don't know why, but let me tell you, I don't either! It's okay to not understand why you're feeling this certain way. It's okay to not be able to explain these emotions. There's nothing wrong with that, not at all.

I understand how it feels to be guilty about the fact that you are still depressed despite having friends and family beside you. Don't hate yourself because of that! It's normal to not feel okay despite your friend trying to cheer you up. They are no magician, it's not possible for them to make you feel better instantly every single time. And you are no robot, you don't automatically feel better after talking to them. You just don't. You take time to heal. I can't tell you how long, but you will. You will feel better eventually. You will take time to think about it, you will get over it, and you will grow from it.

I'm sorry you hate yourself because you've been sympathizing yourself. It's okay to sympathize yourself. Treat it as a pat on your shoulder, a "You've worked hard so far". Stop blaming yourself because you think you don't deserve to feel that way. No one should feel that they are undeserving to feel that certain something (unless you murdered someone and you pity yourself, welp).

Don't hate yourself because you always fucked up everything. You still fucked things up now in 2018, no chill. But it's no big deal, my girl. You won't and can't make sure everything is perfect. You do things wrong, you get angry and sad over it, but most importantly, you learn from it. You gain experience from it and trust me, you will bloom like a flower afterwards. Like, a pretty ass flower. A rose, a sunflower, or whatever flower you think are the prettiest.

Don't feel guilty for being insecure. Everyone is insecure about something. Some people are insecure about their height, some about their skin, some about their hair, and some about their weight. There's literally thousand and hundred things people can be insecure about and it's just the human thang you know? That's human. When it comes to something we are not a hundred per cent confident about, we get insecure.

Don't hate yourself because of your panic attacks. I know, that thing is scary af. And I know how frustrating it is to realize that you are controlled by it. But you can't blame yourself for that! Fighting this kind of complicated mental thing is not your strength, I know. If you can't fight it, why not try to get along with it? Instead of thinking of it as a monster, think of it as a strict (but effective) teacher pushing you to achieve a better result for your exams. I tried that and it rarely visits me these days. Not sure if it will work for you but give it a try.

It pains my heart when you wrote "I'm not being me, and I hate it. But I don't know which is the real me, so I hate it even more."
I guess life is all about finding yourself. You just don't get to figure everything out, and you discover new things about yourself every day. Every day is a new you, and all of that is you. Every side of you makes you, you.

I know you went for counselling and I know that session didn't help. I know you didn't want them to help you. You wanted to give up everything, you want everyone to give up on you because you think you've given up on yourself.

But guess what, you got through it. Thank you for not giving up in the end. Thank you for pulling through it and thank you for giving yourself a chance. I think you are awesome and you deserve a big hug. I hope someone pats you on the head and tell you "You've done well".

Love,
17 years old Luna...

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